The Life That Time Forgot

In my past life, pre-kids, I was the complete contrast to my Aspie son. A social maniac. I had more friends than I could count and I loved to go out and have fun. My wonderful friends were a hoot and I was a happy camper.

Even though my friends are still there for me, we all followed different paths in life and gradually saw less and less of each other.

My focus became my children and my memories of the past were misplaced.

Nowadays I spend my time feeding, managing and entertaining my kids, unsuccessfully trying to teach our dog to talk (a simple "hello" would suffice), avoiding housework and occasionally dabbling in paid work, somewhere along the line I seem to have forgotten how to interact with people my own age.

Dear old hubby and I rarely get the opportunity to converse before we flop our weary bodies into bed at some ungodly hour and if ever I get a moment to myself (ha ha.. like that ever happens!) all I want to do is relax and enjoy the peace.

I daydream about escaping to a luxury hotel room alone - a big bed, room service and someone else doing the cleaning.

However, this week I have discovered that catching up with old friends does wonders for my mood and hence makes me a better primary carer (aka mum)!

So listen up friends and family of primary carers with a child on the Autism Spectrum! If your friend once enjoyed socialising, (not all parents did), they will again. Offer to mind those kids and send that primary carer out. Remind them of what grown-ups like to talk about (other than kids) and providing they are not candidates for driver fatigue, (let them sleep if that's the case), encourage them to catch up with friends, old or new or do something they think is fun and let the healing begin!

It's very hard nurturing friendships when members of your family prefer to be without visitors and often prefer not to socialise publicly. (This can end up rubbing off on all the family members.)

Some parents feel a deeper sense of loneliness and depression, which is common when caring for special needs children. This may require a more aggressive approach to acquiring "me time" and can be the least of their problems. (Reaching out is often the last thing you want to do when suffering from depression. That is why family and friends should take some responsibility in looking for the signs of depression and encourage their friend or family member to talk to their GP at least).

For more information on depression:

The Black Dog Institute:   http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/public/depression/depressionexplained/index.cfm

Beyond Blue:
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=89.579  

If this rings true for you, it may not be as simple as getting a babysitter once in a while. Make sure you are under the care of your GP and discuss all options in helping your situation.

Sometimes you have to make some more substantial decisions in order to create a happier life. Change jobs or lessen your hours at work if you can. Don't do housework for a day a week, or even better, get a cleaner (I wish), rearrange your family schedule to include you. Organise regular help for the kids.

Think outside the square of your life and make a drastic change and don't forget in Australia, you can apply for a mental health care plan through your GP. This enables you to seek professional counselling through a psychologist or psychiatrist with a heavily increased rebate from medicare. I've got one and I love my sessions with my psychologist. More info:
http://www.racgp.org.au/Content/NavigationMenu/Patients/Factsheets/200709Infoforconsumers_MentalHealth.pdf


The primary carer's happiness is extremely important to ensure success for your family. Do what you have to do to make it happen!

Good luck! Pursue happiness, stay kind, stay calm and stay tuned!

As promised: A "Busy Day Schedule" Template

YAY TEAM!

School can create a highly charged emotional environment not only for children with Asperger’s Syndrome, but for their families as well.

Many families feel like they are falling between the cracks of the system.

Aspie’s are too high functioning for a “special school" but are often not able to cope with the mainstream school system either, due to issues like bullying, slow processing abilities or anxiety.

Although many people with Asperger’s Syndrome are above average intelligence, (some are even savants), the system itself does not cater for their specific brand of thinking.

It is easy for a parent to fall into “fight mode”, feeling as though they have to fight for the rights of their children in the school system.

Even though we all want what is best for our children, parents can often do more harm than good.

No one wants to be the parent the school dreads!

The reality is, you and your school are a team and you have to be able to work together to reach the best outcomes for your child with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Some great tips for supporting your teachers are:

Suggest teacher courses: 
To help teachers understand Asperger's Syndrome and make the classroom better for everyone.

In Australia, I recommend:  www.suelarkey.com

Start a communication book:

Both you and your teacher jot brief notes everyday. You’ll be amazed at how much it helps by letting each other know details from home and school, like if your child had a good nights sleep or not, if they struggled or did well with work or socialization or if they are having a particularly Autistic day (sometimes for no reason). All information helps. Just keep it short and to the point.

Email:

If you and your teacher are more technically savvy start a communication email system instead of the communication book above.

Plastic envelope in bag:

I keep an A4 plastic envelope with a velcro latch in my son's bag for notes and other communications with the school. That way he can hand it to the teacher or to me and is less likely to lose little bits of paper. (You can keep the communication book in there too!)

Make appointments:
See school staff at regular intervals that suit you both, to stay on top of potential problems. Always ask what you can do to help the school help your child.

Write to the Minister for Education:

If you see problems in the school system, write to or lobby your local member or even better, your Minister for Education.

Let your teachers know you appreciate them.

Have a great new term with your team… and remember, stay calm, stay kind and stay tuned for more mokas posts!

Busy Day Schedule

Further to my post on change. Here is a sample of a busy day schedule that we used on a day that would normally have been overwhelming.

Unusually for us, my son had 2 parties in 2 days. The first was a Friday night sleepover party and as you can imagine, he was exhausted by Saturday morning.

We chose to "wag" morning swimming lessons and swapped the time slot for relaxation time, (making sure his sister gave him a wide berth) so he could clear his head and recharge.

We don't get invited to many parties, so I felt it was important to prioritise around them for his social benefit.

My husband and I also attended a wedding that same day and the kids were being babysat by my in-laws which threw in extra elements of change.

My son found the schedule really useful and it kept him calm as he knew exactly what he needed to do and what was going on throughout the day.

It was so successful that I'm actually planning on making up some templates, laminating them and re-using them for most days with a whiteboard marker. I'll post the templates on this blog soon.

when change is no holiday

As a mother of a beautiful Aspe, day to day living is always throwing interesting challenges my way!

One of those challenges is dealing with change.

Most people with Asperger's Syndrome would rather everything in their lives stay the same... but as much as we try to control it, unfortunately the only constant is change.

Many of the qualities in people with Asperger's Syndrome, may be a result of them trying to stop change and create a predictable and constant environment for themselves.
Think playground, only wanting to play their own games, or taking over group assignments in the classroom, these things remove the unknown for them.
Given time and good peers, they will learn to compromise and get used to unpredictable friends. (So align yourselves with caring peers and help your person with Asperger's Syndrome nurture friendships if you can.)

Focusing on a special interest creates a very predictable pastime, making people with Asperger's Syndrome feel safe. It can be a place they turn to for relief of stress.

Some examples of change that may create anxiety in Aspe's may surprise you. I've noticed in my circles, quite distressing change can range from fear of becoming an adolescent, moving house, relief teachers, daily changes in the news, not having favourite underwear in the right drawer, a favourite shop closing down, a sleep over at a friends house or holidays, etc.

Interestingly, I have noticed actual grief occur when unwanted changes happen within a special interest. (More about this later.)

Some tips for helping our friends through change are:

-Give as much warning as possible of daily events.
e.g. "Today when I pick you up from school, we'll be going to the post office before we go home."
e.g.2. "There will be an extra visitor at Christmas lunch, she's Nana's new neighbour and is a very lovely lady who likes gardening".
e.g.3. I once had a teacher that would text me if she was going to be away that day! (Wow.. you can't ask for more than that!) and that enabled me to prepare my son better for the day.

- Keep a weekly schedule complete with clocks, words and pictures of activities.
If that seems too hard, just have a basic hand drawn schedule of weekly events in columns & rows and blue tack it next to the front door. (e.g. Monday, band, normal uniform. Tuesday, library day - take library bag & book, normal uniform. Wednesday, sports uniform... etc, and it's easy to change it week to week if you need.) Something basic is better than nothing at all.

- If you have a particularly challenging day coming up, make up a schedule, also with clocks, words and pictures, just for that day. (stick figures are an easy picture you can use.) and read it together a few times so they feel comfortable with the information before it happens.

- Try and be organised the day before. e.g. pack school bag together the night before, talk about the next day. (Don't pack the lunch though .. yuck, soggy sandwiches!)

- Have fun together, every chance you get, if your family & friends are willing.
Plan something fun together and have a laugh. Go to the ice cream shop, see a movie, go for a walk or swim. Try not to feel bogged down in routine, it's nice to know good things happen outside your schedule too!.. however, always ask and talk about your plans first and if a little spontaneity doesn't work out for the fun stuff, schedule it in!

There are many factors that contribute to meltdowns and problems coping with life, change is just one of them.

Good luck with your schedules! (I know I need to take my own advice and get organised!)

Stay calm, stay kind and stay tuned!

...Transportation!

.. how could I forget?

Aspergia also features a magnificent rail network, complete with rare and special trains and the roads are filled with beautiful collectable cars and bikes.